Living in a World of Our Own Creation
by starvingstudent
Summary: Kensi/Deeks. Missing scene from Three Hearts. "They see what we let them." "So, we need to control what we let them see." "Exactly."


_**Living in a World of Our Own Creation.**_

_**AN: This story is designed as an extra/alternate scene for the 'Three Hearts' episode, which falls prior to the final Densi scene of that episode (the scene which takes place almost entirely in metaphors and in which Deeks gives back the knife and opens the box). I'm still quite new to this fandom; this is only my second fic and I've only had a chance to read a handful of others. As far as I know this story provides a new possible explanation for the last scene of the episode and the ongoing Kensi/Deeks scene we're seeing now that I don't think has been explored. I don't actually think this is what happened, but the thought intrigued me and I couldn't not write it. Hope you enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm just borrowing the characters for my own (and hopeful others') entertainment.**_

XX

Kensi ignores the minor tremors in her hands as she disassembles her riffle and returns it to the case in the back of her SRX. She tells herself it's was just adrenaline from the takedown and has nothing to do with nerves from being in the field for the first time since Afghanistan. The work itself had gone perfectly. She had found a position of high ground, held overwatch for her team, taken several shots without hesitation, and then when Callen had given the order, she had gone after her target. But after, the shaking had started in her hands.

She only struggles slightly with disassembling her weapon, but pushes through with gritted teeth. When she finishes, she slams the trunk. The boys haven't returned her gym bag yet, but she trusts they know she'll kill them if they don't ensure its brought back. Right now, she just wants to get back to OPs.

When she turns to locate her partner, she finds him immediately. Apparently, he has already found her. He is several paces behind her, standing quietly, staring. Concerned.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm fine."

He straightens up a bit at her words. _See? Stronger_, says a little voice in her head, _just at the sound of your voice_. She shakes away the thought. She is _not_ letting Angelo in her head anymore. With the way Deeks has been acting since they'd left the boatshed, the dirty agent had already done enough damage.

Deeks nods. "Okay."

There is no judgment in his tone. No expectations. No pushing for more. She grips her hands together in front of her and stares down at them for a long moment before looking back up at him. "It was my first time back in the field since..." She trails off. Neither of them need her to finish that sentence.

Again, he nods. "I know," he says simply. He moves closer and stops, only a couple feet away, before speaking again. "I'm really glad to have my partner back."

She smiles at that. He is so good at bringing up the positive when she doesn't even know that's what she needs. She is able to release her hands and lift one to affectionately shove at his shoulder. "Your partner is really glad to be back."

He smiles back at her. "There's the Kensi smile I was missing."

She feels her cheeks warm at his words.

Deeks shuffles another half step forward, now solidly inside her personal space. Not that she's complaining. "It gets easier," he tells her. When she narrows her eyes in question, he cocks his head ever so slightly. "I was a little shaky, too," he admits, "after my first time back in the field after..." he trails off, "well, you know."

His reluctance to verbalize his own recent traumatic experience reminds her she's not alone. The look in his eyes makes her think he chose his words that way on purpose. Regardless, she appreciates it. She takes a breath and nods. "It's just a little extra adrenaline."

He nods. "I know."

Again, there is no judgment in his tone. No expectation. No push for more. He really does know.

"It'll be half as bad next time," he assures her. "And the time after," he shakes his head, "You'll barely notice it. Your body just needs to adjust again; remember this is normal."

She smiles at that. "Normal, huh?"

He shrugs. "Our normal."

She nods, grateful for his understanding and assurance. "You're being really awesome right now, you know?"

His eyes sparkle at her words. "I'm always awesome, Kens."

She laughs, but sobers quickly. "I'm sorry I wasn't as understanding...when you came back to work, I mean."

"You were showing your worry in your own special Kensi way," he tells her.

"I didn't understand."

"And I'd give anything for you to not understand now," he practically whispers, his voice full of emotion.

She inhales sharply and then slowly releases her breath. "I know you would." She's starting to feel shaky again, but now for a completely different reason. She hesitates for a moment, but he's so close. She reaches for his hand with hers.

He squeezes her hand and makes no move to let go.

Kensi takes another breath. "I didn't understand what you were going through. I should have been..." She trails off when she can't come up with the right words.

"You were," he assures her. She's about to argue, but he cuts her off. "You were the reason I was able to come back to work." He shakes his head and gives her _that_ look that makes her heart feel like it's too big for her chest. "I knew you didn't understand my behaviour. But I also knew that _your _behaviour was you showing how much you care."

"I do care," she tells him.

He's still smiling at her, but its flat. He doesn't move away from her physically, but she's suddenly overwhelmed with the knowledge that he wants to. She's suddenly overly aware of how close together they are standing. She drops his hand as if it burned hers.

Deeks looks guilty, but doesn't look away from her.

She doesn't know how to read him like this. They've been partners for nearly four years. They'd been right on the edge of more when she'd been sent away. When she'd been brought home from Afghanistan, she'd just needed time. And he'd promised to be patient. Even just that morning he'd wanted to talk.

Deeks blows out his cheeks as he releases a breath; something Kensi has long since known he does to release tension and calm himself. "I'm sorry," he tells her.

"For what?" She pushes.

This time he does look away.

She crosses her arms over her chest. "Not going to look at me or talk to me?"

"I...don't know what to say."

"You knew what you wanted to say this morning."

He meets her eyes again. "I did. I...damn it, Kensi! I missed you like crazy when you were gone. I thought every day about what I wanted to say to you when you got back. And when you got back, I knew what I wanted to say. And this morning, I knew what I wanted to say."

"And now?"

"And now, I don't know, okay? I don't know!"

"That's not enough."

He huffs. "I don't have anything else to give right now. I don't know what to say. And I don't know how to fix that."

They fall silent and stare at each other for a long, tense moment. Kensi feels anger bubbling up inside her. But she's not angry at her partner. She's angry at their situation. She's angry that Hetty used her. She's angry she was torn away from her partner at the worst possible time. She's angry they didn't get a chance to figure out their thing when they deserved that chance. She's angry Hetty and Granger used them today. She knows the operations manager and assistant director knows she and her partner are closer than just partners. She knows they know Kensi and Deeks haven't figured things out yet. And she knows they knew Agent Angelo would see that, too. She's angry that a personal relationship she had was taken advantage of because of her job. _Again_.

Deeks releases another breath through puffed out cheeks. Then he runs his hand through his hair. She finds herself calming at the gesture. Angelo had been right about one thing; she does notice when he fidgets with his hair.

Kensi takes a slow, deep breath in and then just as slowly releases it. "He rattled me, too," she finally says, quietly.

Deeks looks at her sadly and nods, but says nothing.

"But you know what I realized when I was stuck in that cave?"

He flinches at her words, but doesn't look away. "What?"

"That I don't want to live in the past and I don't want to have regrets." She pauses. "I don't know how many hearts I have, Deeks, and I know I haven't shown you as many as you've shown me. But I want to learn to show you all of them. I trust you to show you all of them."

He leans forward as if he wants to be closer and his lips press and release each other as if there are many things he wants to say. It takes her a moment to realize his body is trembling ever so slightly.

"I'm scared, too," she tells him. This is big. It has the power to make or break them, and they both know it.

Her assurance seems to give him the permission he needs to be afraid with her. "It's not that I think you would ever burn me on purpose."

"Good. Because I would never. Just like I know you wouldn't."

For some reason, her faith in him seems to be reminding him of his faith in her. His stance is suddenly much less tense.

"Angelo was a dirty agent," she reminds him. "He chose his stories to rattle us."

"He read us really well," Deeks points out. "We _let_ him read us really well."

"Hetty and Granger put us in there with him on purpose, _knowing_ he would read us," she adds.

Deeks sighs as he catches on, "Because they can read us, too. And they wanted to see if he'd reveal anything to them as he picked us apart." He closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair.

She watches silently.

When he opens his eyes, he shakes his head. "I can't decide if that was incredibly dirty or incredibly brilliant."

She offers him a half-smile and shrugs. "Little of both, I guess. Partially our fault for being so transparent."

"So, what do we do?"

"They see what we let them."

"So, we need to control what we let them see."

"Exactly," she says. "As of right now, we take control. We decide what we want and we decide what they see."

"What do you want?" He asks.

"What do you want?" She counters.

"I asked you first," he counters.

She rolls her eyes. "Very mature."

He smirks. "I'm a mature kind of guy." He raises an eyebrow.

She crossed her arms over her chest and says playfully, "I was going to say I wanted you, but after that comment, I'm not so sure..."

His eyes are suddenly sparkling and he smiles warmly at her. "I want you, too, Kens."

And there's that swelling feeling in her heart again. She manages to nod. "Good. Now that we've got that settled."

They stare at each other for a long moment. Neither partner seems to know what to do next.

After a long moment, Deeks shifts side to side, uncomfortable in the silence. "Is that it or...?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?"

He laughs. "Well, I don't know. It just seems like '_communication_,'" he makes air quotes," should have more, well, communication."

She glances around to ensure Callen and Sam have indeed left the area before shrugging. "I happen to have preferred your previous method of communication."

He doesn't even hesitate. Just closes the short distance between them and captures her lips. The kiss is a little awkward at first, mostly because she's laughing at his eagerness, but he quickly steals her laughter with her breath. Her eyes close on their own volition and then there's that wonderful sensation of falling while standing as the world just ceases to exist outside of his arms.

When he eventually ends the kiss, he keeps her close and wraps his arms around her in a tight hug. She tucks her head under his chin and just allows herself to be held, her own arms loosely wrapped around his middle.

"Wow," he mumbles. "Why do I feel like we wasted a lot of words when we could have been making out instead?"

She laughs against his chest. "We'll have lots of time for that later."

"Because we want each other."

"Agreed."

He sighs and tightens his arms just a bit more around her.

"Deeks?"

He makes no move to release her, but sighs again. He takes a moment to organize his thoughts. "I just... I want you, Kens. I want to make this work. I really think we can make all of this work; you and me, partners, best friends, our thing. We can have it all. But I don't know how we figure it out when the people we work for have no qualms with using us to further a case."

She nods against him. "And who knows where that ends."

"Exactly. I want it to me you and me; Kensi and Deeks. Not Kensi and Deeks and Hetty and Granger."

"And Callen and Sam, because you know they won't stay out of it either." She lifts her head to meet his eyes.

"How do we figure out our thing if we're under the microscope all the time? If we're being pulled into the boatshed and put out on display for dirty agents and used as bait?"

She stares at him for a long moment and then she feels the corners of her lips twitch upwards at the inclining of an idea. Maybe they had learned one useful thing today, after all. "It's like Angelo said, we live in a world of our own creation."

He stares back at her for a long moment before he catches on and then slowly nods. "So, partners at work..."

"Different kind of partners at home."

He smiles at that. "And if anyone at work asks?"

"No one will ask. No one ever asks anything. Everyone makes inferences from behaviour."

"Right." He smirks at her. "So, we need to 'break up' quietly and personally, at a time we know Hetty and probably Granger will be eavesdropping. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy."

"I'm going to pretend like you didn't say that last part."

He beams at her. "But we're on the same page for the first part?"

"Any ideas?"

He smirks. "Well, we are highly skilled undercover operatives. I'm sure we have the necessary skills and experience to take on this mission. Where do we start?"

"Well, I think to pull this off, you're going to have to give me back my knife."

"I can do that," he agrees. "I got my partner back. I don't need her knife anymore."

She leans into him for a moment. "And I think we'll have to talk with really bad communication."

"We may have _some_ practice with that..." He says, pecking her on the lips.

"And...I think you have to open the box."

He tenses and shakes his head. "But-"

"Trust me."

He closes his mouth and grumbles. "Fine. Will you at least tell me what's in it first?"

She smirks and shakes her head. "Nope. Better if you're surprised." She stands up on her tip toes to kiss him one more time and then pushes him towards the passenger side of the car. "Come on partner, we can practice our bad communication in the car."

"Let's see how many metaphors we can fit in one conversation," he calls back to her.

"Challenge accepted."


End file.
